i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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