he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
