A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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