Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
this boner is exhausting
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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