I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
