You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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