Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
