I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
