I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
