i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
false alarm, still single
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
