someone owes me an orgasm
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
