i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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