Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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