If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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