Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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