i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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