I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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