got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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