u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
