the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
