i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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