so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
