how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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