Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
