the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
