You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
