he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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