I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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