jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
