haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
