Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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