the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
