My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize