i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
