I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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