I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
