Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
