I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
