if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
