Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I need a beard to bite.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
