Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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