i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
