if you like me you must not know who I am
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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