dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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