i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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