haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
