Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize