So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
