i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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