i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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