I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
