I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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