everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize