I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
