Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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