The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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