Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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